In a past article, I’ve written about differing emotional capacity, as a reason for the mismatch with some siblings. In another, I’ve touched upon unequal investment and reciprocity with the “almost” relationship. Both of these served to illustrate what I call an asymmetrical sibling relationship. In today’s article, I want to expand and broaden just how asymmetry exists in different aspects of a sibling relationship, and in how investment, expectation, intimacy, and meaning can create pain when compensating repeatedly for what the other sibling is unwilling or unable to give us.
Now, it remains to be said that some asymmetries can be due to personality differences. That’s to be expected among siblings. Some theoreticians have spoken about differentiation as a way for siblings to avoid coming into conflict and competition with their sibling. Differences can certainly be expected. That isn’t necessarily a problem. Where it does become problematic is when we contribute to a sibling relationship, and feel that there is not a feeling of generosity nor giving on the part of our sibling in the same way that we engage with them.
This can therefore mean that two siblings can occupy the same relationship, but experience it differently. If there is significant emotional capacity in one sibling, it could be argued that this sibling would give importance to the relationship, such that repair, emotional intimacy, and mutual investment would be essential ingredients in their contact with their sibling. By contrast, the other sibling can have a completely different experience, by having some form of care for their sibling (or not), and maintain that they don’t want nor need the kind of relationship that their sibling is asking for.
Recognizing that asymmetry can happen at many different levels, here are four areas that can be felt within a sibling relationship:
1. Emotional & Relational Asymmetry
This type of asymmetry involves the level of depth that a sibling can experience. It can well be that one sibling may have a deeper capacity to dive into emotional or interpersonal subjects, and feel as though the other sibling is not able to carry this emotional weight as freely as they can. When conversations become too intense, or too emotionally demanding, the sibling who is less emotionally capable will shy away, shut down, change the subject or ridicule their sibling for discussing such things. It can leave one of the two siblings feeling unsatisfied, as the other isn’t able to meet them at the same level as they can. I explore this difference in greater depth in Emotional Capacity and Sibling Estrangement.
2. Investment & Reciprocity Asymmetry
This type of asymmetry has to do with how siblings actually invest in one another in maintaining the relationship. Investment requires that each person puts work into the relationship, such as initiating contact, making plans, highlighting the important things like significant dates, for instance. It could also be how a sibling reaches out when there is conflict. While relationships can never be split perfectly halfway, both siblings should feel that contribution to the relationship is mutual. When this happens, reciprocity is felt. When most of the work depends on only one person, then this creates a lack of reciprocity, which contributes to asymmetry. This is one of the dynamics I explored in The “Almost” Sibling Relationship, where a sibling relationship may exist in name or history, while the actual level of investment between the two people remains markedly unequal.
3. Meaning & Expectation Asymmetry
How we perceive a relationship as being influences strongly what we come to expect from it. For one sibling, it could be that: “we’re siblings, so I expect us to be there for one another.” Whereas the other sibling can have a differing narrative meaning: “We’re siblings, but that doesn’t necessarily mean we’re close.” Expectations can encompass aspects associated with closeness, loyalty, availability, and other perceptions of what a sibling or siblinghood is supposed to be about. And when this doesn’t materialize in the relationship, there can arise feelings of rejection or disappointment. Because of differing narratives, one sibling may experience rejection whereas the other sibling may be exhibiting boundaries and defenses towards a differing degree of closeness. Much of the pain can come from the discrepancy between the sibling relationship we actually have and the sibling relationship we believed we would have. I explore this dimension of sibling loss more fully in How to mourn a Sibling Relationship, as well as in Grieving the sibling we never had.
4. Repair & Accountability Asymmetry
This type of asymmetry is important to mention, because it’s often when things go wrong that we get to find out how much someone is willing to invest in maintaining the relationship. When a sibling wants to talk about an experience, by attempting to understand their sibling’s perspective, or discuss accountability, it’s possible they can be met with an abrupt response, such as: “I don’t want to talk about it” or “Why can’t you just let it go?” But as with anything, the willingness to discuss difficult experiences is a crucial step in any attempt at mending a rift between people. Everything else that can potentially come afterwards, starts with this. Only then can come acknowledgment, accountability, a possible apology, forgiveness, a will to change, and to participate in a reconciliation. I speak about this Emotional Bridge Building Model in our video on How to Bridge a Divide on YouTube.
To conclude, though asymmetry within a relationship is difficult and disappointing to experience, it doesn’t mean that one sibling is right and the other is wrong. It implies that a mismatch can be simply because of differences among siblings. Where it becomes painful is when one sibling is the one having to compensate over and over again for what the other sibling is unable, through differing emotional capacity, or unwilling, through asymmetry, to contribute to an even and fulfilling sibling relationship.
Sometimes, this compensation can take the form of people-pleasing: continually accommodating, giving in, avoiding conflict, or putting our sibling’s needs ahead of our own in the hope that the relationship will eventually become more reciprocal. I explored this dynamic more fully in People Pleasing and Sibling Estrangement.
When attention, repair, emotional intimacy, and mutual investment are repeatedly absent, it may become necessary to stop trying to compensate for the imbalance and instead seek emotional nourishment and fulfillment elsewhere.
Ali-John Chaudhary is a Registered Psychotherapist with offices in Ontario and Quebec. He helps clients from different parts of the world going through sibling estrangement issues, and produces YouTube videos on the same subject. He also hosts a twice-monthly online support group, thematic sessions, and immersive workshops, each on Zoom (see groups), for those looking to empower themselves with this rarely discussed subject. What’s more, Ali-John is starting up the Wellness Rewards Club, through a YouTube Membership, which will serve to give readers extra resources to create the next chapter in their lives following sibling estrangement.
