One of the most freeing aspects that comes with our deliverance from sibling estrangement is when we start to recognize that our sibling can’t meet us at our level of depth, signaling their lack of emotional capacity. This particular deficit is an important factor to consider when it comes to the wedge that exists between siblings. In this article, we’ll explore what is the nature of emotional capacity, and how best to navigate through this asymmetrical relationship that can shape our interactions with our brother or sister.
You may have experienced the times where conversations actually started going deeper with your sibling. You almost had a feeling of mutuality and rapport. Being that you may be able to talk about more authentic and heartfelt subjects pertaining to family, your life, or your perspective. Suddenly, you’re met with what may feel as a dismissal, ridicule, or minimization. A mismatch of the depth and vulnerability you showed and felt in the conversation. Does that sound familiar?
Sustained emotional depth is not given to everyone. It requires emotional vulnerability, and to be able to keep such conversations going can be difficult, if not impossible, with someone who can’t or won’t meet you there. I often use the example of a light bulb. For instance, you can be at 100 watts, in terms of your emotional capacity. If your sibling is at 40 to 60 watts, there is already a mismatch. You may be left thirsting for those rare conversations where you felt that depth in an intermittent way. And this is where the trap lies. You can start chasing these moments, hoping to recreate them. But as with intermittence, things soon return to what they were, to a level that leaves you unsatisfied. This is what I mean when we sometimes have an “almost” relationship with a sibling. It can be about feeling that connection, that breakthrough, and thinking it’s here to stay. But invariably, people come back to their basic level of capacity. This can leave us perplexed and disappointed, or worse, making us think that we said or did something wrong, or that we haven’t figured out how to make it work, which puts us in a rumination loop.
What translates as lack of emotional capacity for us is translated as an entirely different experience for our stunted sibling-s. It can mean feeling that we are too overwhelming for them, too demanding, too needy, too intense, too dramatic, too hung up on past experiences, and the list goes on. This can cause them to become defensive, dismissive, or withdraw from us, which is usually what leaves us bewildered with what could have caused this despite our best actions.
This type of mismatch in emotional capacity with a sibling can be difficult to experience. It can create torment within us, if we are not careful, in that we may not logically understand why this is happening to us. Especially if we are still grappling with our ideal of what family is supposed to be, versus what we actually have. What helps to create that pivotal inner adjustment shift is the realization that our sibling cannot meet us at the same emotional level that we can with them. It helps to appease us in that it makes it less about what we are not doing, and more about recognizing a lack of capacity as being something they can’t get beyond.
Without extensive work on themselves, including accountability, our sibling won’t come to grow in their emotional capacity. The need to further develop their capacity for intimacy, as opposed to going into avoidance, is what is needed, on a relational level. They may well be at 100 watts in other aspects of their life, but regress to less than that when it comes to emotional processing with another person. While it’s important that we not shrink ourselves when interacting with our sibling, some contentious subjects still remain best not talked about, as a means of having a surface-level relationship with them, which makes it safer for them. In turn, it can give us some form of relationship rather than nothing with them, if this is what we seek.
Conversely, it’s important that they do the work to become keenly aware of their tendencies towards withdrawal or avoidance, in order to avoid repeating the same mistakes of the past, and gaining the opportunity to dive deeper on an emotional level, such as to gain the benefits of a deeper, more emotionally rich relationship with us. While this is the ideal, it’s important to realize that this may never happen when defenses are too deeply entrenched. Our sibling-s may well decide that it is unnecessary or inefficient to dive at such deep levels.
This is why I recommend that we find people who are part of our tribe. That is, those that can match our emotional capacity, such that we can continue to flourish, and experience a sense of validation at being ourselves so we can best be seen and heard. The alternative is to be left thirsting and feeling invisible or unimportant. Finding those that match our emotional capacity can help us to grow, and gain a much needed sense of fulfillment. In turn, this can help to heal from the pain that breeds sibling estrangement, by going from doubting ourselves and working too hard, to learning to love and appreciate ourselves just as we are, with a sense of ease in our relationships with others.
Ali-John Chaudhary is a Registered Psychotherapist with offices in Ontario and Quebec. He helps clients from different parts of the world going through sibling estrangement issues, and produces YouTube videos on the same subject. He also hosts a twice-monthly online support group, thematic sessions, and immersive workshops, each on Zoom (see groups), for those looking to empower themselves with this rarely discussed subject. What’s more, Ali-John is starting up the Wellness Rewards Club, through a YouTube Membership, which will serve to give readers extra resources to create the next chapter in their lives following sibling estrangement.
Sibling Estrangement 