One of the most common themes that arises whenever we reflect on sibling estrangement is the ongoing feeling and experience of incompleteness. We are often left without answers, and for many of us, in our attempt to seek more certainty, this can mean dwelling into overthinking and rumination. In this article, we’ll explore just how we can cultivate a healthier experience with incompleteness, despite the gap that this creates in our life.
It can be disorienting to have a sibling suddenly pull the plug on a relationship with us. It can leave us wondering just what we may have said or did that caused this, which is normal to consider. Sooner or later, we may be able to give them back the responsibility for their actions. Nonetheless, it remains hurtful to know that we have somehow been cut off or given the silent treatment. It may even go against our values, as this may be something that we would never dream of doing to another person. And yet, here we are on the receiving end of this.
The mind invariably seeks coherence and meaning to its experiences. And when we are left without answers, it can be disheartening to feel our personal values are shaken. Or worse, that our values remain absolutist, and that we cannot compose with the reality that sibling estrangement brings: A stark contrast to what family is supposed to be. This point can be especially painful for us, as our mind becomes desperate to understand, and have certainty about why things are the way they are.
Even if we are given answers, someone else’s grievances may not be the way we see an event, nor perceive it in the same way as they do, which, sadly, can create invalidation for us. I often state to some of my clients here, that when we get intellectual answers, it rarely if ever appeases our feelings or activated emotions associated with sibling estrangement. In fact, no answer will make it ok for us to experience this.
So what can we do in such cases? How do we deal with the feeling of powerlessness that may come with the experience of incompleteness? One such way of dealing with it is learning to accept and work with the uncertainty that comes with incompleteness. I often equate this to walking around with an untied shoelace. The important thing for us is to continue to walk forward, and reclaim our life’s narrative, as opposed to giving that power away to our estranged sibling.
Notice how much of how we see ourselves can be tied to our brother or sister’s identity. Much of the work involved with bettering ourselves has to do with reclaiming our identity, precisely in such a way as to broaden ourselves emotionally, socially, and intellectually. When our own personal identity grows, through the experience of fullness, the feeling of emptiness takes up much less room. And the incompleteness that we all carry gradually starts to recede into the background, as simply something we experienced, and no longer a part of our overall identity. This is how we can learn to walk with, process, and transcend the incompleteness that characterizes sibling estrangement.
Science has been showing us that seeking certainty at all costs is destined to fail. There are too many variable elements to accurately prepare for everything in life. People who have anxiety symptoms are taught to tolerate uncertainty. Why is that? Because learning to live with uncertainty and the unknown is what can broaden one’s emotional resilience. In turn, we can learn to do the same.
In closing, embracing uncertainty, broadening our personal identity, and processing our experience – either individually or with therapeutic help – all aim to foster a better ability in dealing with incompleteness. Making use of this is to our advantage in harmonizing ourselves with one of the greatest and most common challenges that comes with sibling estrangement.
Ali-John Chaudhary is a Registered Psychotherapist with offices in Ontario and Quebec. He helps clients from different parts of the world going through sibling estrangement issues, and produces YouTube videos on the same subject. He also hosts a twice-monthly online support group, thematic sessions, and immersive workshops, each on Zoom (see groups), for those looking to empower themselves with this rarely discussed subject. What’s more, Ali-John is starting up the Wellness Rewards Club, through a YouTube Membership, which will serve to give readers extra resources to create the next chapter in their lives following sibling estrangement.
Sibling Estrangement 