In our quest to understand the underpinnings of sibling estrangement, there is an increasing risk for those who are empathic, which is who most of us are. That risk is to stay too long with a hopeless situation in our bid to understand. Here, we will talk more about what that looks like, and how it is that we can best protect ourselves despite what is in our nature to do.
As empathic people, it’s normal that we may want to understand why a sibling relationship breaks down. We may ask ourselves questions, and observe, rather than respond directly to situations that occur in front of us. But here’s the problem with that. This attempt at understanding can thwart us from actually seeing the red flags that occur with relationship breakdowns: Invalidation, dehumanization, uneven investment, breaches in our boundaries, bullying, unreasonable requests, and abuse.
It’s this need to understand that can cause us to experience personalization, by making this somehow about us, putting pressure on ourselves, and doubling down in our efforts to make it work. The need to understand may be linked to people-pleasing, which can serve as an adaptation skill. Also known as fawning, it’s a type of response that causes us to work at staying safe (or in our case, accepted), with a sibling. The hope, with many people who do people-pleasing, is that their efforts will be recognized, and that their sibling will reciprocate. Unfortunately, most often, this is not the case.
Continued watering-down of one’s identity for the sake of fitting into a sibling’s perceived standards can slowly erode us over time. The hope is that you may one day encounter the version of your sibling that you once knew, or thought you had experienced at one time. This is one of the driving forces that keeps people on the hook, or engaged in the process of people-pleasing. The fact of the matter is that this can invariably create a situation in which your sibling is further enabled in their behaviors, if you continue to put your needs on hold in favor of theirs.
I remind members of my online support group that this version of your sibling may never arrive, because that was more of a state-based empathy than an actual core part of their character. Red flags may be ignored, not just because of our over-adaptative behavior, but also because of the societal or family pressure of needing to make a sibling relationship work. We can sometimes be made to be the bad person, simply for talking about a persistent conflict with a sibling. Or worse, made to feel responsible for fixing it.
Learning to catch our behaviors early at people-pleasing is key to avoiding negating the red flags that can be in front of us. It can mean to learn to witness toxic behaviors sooner, so that we can make decisions about prioritizing our safety earlier, rather than waiting for a situation to improve at the risk of degenerating and exasperating us to the point that we are left barely standing, in survival mode.
Many times, I mention to clients that their sense of emotional safety needs to be sharpened, precisely so that they can make safer choices for themselves. This isn’t about giving up early. Rather, it’s about listening to ourselves sooner, and giving more importance to our feelings, or at least, as much importance to our feelings as that of those around us.
So what can we do? Pay attention to your body when you are not having to be in the presence of your sibling. Are you more relaxed? More at ease? Do you find that you can be yourself more? Does it feel like a breath of fresh air? It might well be that you aren’t having to work as hard anymore. Be conscious of that feeling, as this may be the real you that can emerge safely. Giving value to your feelings means having to say no, disagree, or back away, even when it can risk the wrath of your sibling.
Starting with small gestures can be a good way to foster emotional safety. In time, you will gain the confidence that your feelings matter, and you will see through the game of chasing acceptance. The sooner you do this, the sooner you get to reclaim yourself, and assert your empathic strength in a healthier, stronger, and more profound way, without having to sacrifice who you are. If you recognize yourself in these patterns and are seeking a space centered on emotional safety, reflection, and healing, feel free to contact me for information about my support group, or my upcoming workshop on people-pleasing and sibling estrangement.
Ali-John Chaudhary is a Registered Psychotherapist with offices in Ontario and Quebec. He helps clients from different parts of the world going through sibling estrangement issues, and produces YouTube videos on the same subject. He also hosts a twice-monthly online support group, thematic sessions, and immersive workshops, each on Zoom (see groups), for those looking to empower themselves with this rarely discussed subject. What’s more, Ali-John is starting up the Wellness Rewards Club, through a YouTube Membership, which will serve to give readers extra resources to create the next chapter in their lives following sibling estrangement.
Sibling Estrangement 