A friend pointed out to me that she chooses not to hold grudges. Asking her why, she said to me that it takes an inordinate amount of energy in doing so. This got me thinking about how we differ from our sibling-s when it comes to fluidity versus rigidity in patterns in thinking. And how it is that some people choose to want to be right over buying peace. In this article, we’ll explore how estrangement may become sustained by psychological rigidity rather than an openness to ongoing meaning-making.
Of course, there can be valid reasons for why we choose to uphold resentment towards another person. If a person has been consistently abusive towards us, it’s perfectly healthy to establish and reaffirm our boundaries. In fact, this can help us in other areas of our lives by heightening our ability in recognizing dangerous or detrimental behavior towards us.
That being said, there is also the possibility of how easy it can be for a person to take things personally. Some of the psychological processes that are responsible for this are:
- Narrative Rigidity: This is a type of thinking that can cause a sibling to fall into a fixed vision of how their sibling relationship is, without any possibility of revision. For example, this might be characterized by thoughts such as “I’ve already figured them out. Or there’s nothing left to discuss.”
- Negative Attribution Bias: This happens when a sibling’s ambiguous actions are interpreted in the most negative light, rather than verifying their perceptions. Examples of this might be in seeing an apology as manipulation rather than a positive repair attempt. Or seeing kindness as being selfish and self-serving rather than being freely given.
- Fundamental Attribution Error: This type of thinking occurs when the sibling’s behaviour is explained by their character rather than circumstances. For instance, such thinking would be expressed by concluding that “They forgot because they’re selfish,” rather than considering other external explanations.
- Attributional Rigidity: This type of thinking occurs when negative conclusions become generalized, stable, and resistant to change in how we perceive our sibling-s. This can be best characterized as “They never cared,” “They’ll never change,” “Everything they do has bad motives.”
- Divergent Narrative Closure: This type of thinking is best expressed as in seeing the relationship’s story as psychologically “closed” before any further dialogue or repair can occur. This typically looks like a decision that feels final internally, even if no meaningful explanation has been offered. This sounds like: “I’ve said all I needed to say about this. I won’t discuss it again.” For the sibling left behind, the story remains painfully unfinished when both realities aren’t acknowledged. Here, the narratives are not merely different—they are closed at different points in time or not closed at all. Whereas one sibling has a sense of closure, the other may still be engaged in ongoing meaning-making.
How an Empathic Sibling Feels
Facing any of these situations can be difficult for us, as being mischaracterized for who we are can be deeply painful. Coupled with this, is not having a means to defend ourselves, precisely because of this rigidity in thinking that closes off any possibility of communication through dialogue.
Siblings who are involuntarily estranged tend to go through ambiguous loss. Being subject to an abrupt cut-off can evoke a loss of connection that can be particularly difficult for an empathic person who may not understand how or why the relationship ended. This can bring about feelings of sadness, rejection, disillusionment, anger and confusion, just to name a few. When our sibling is still alive, it can be mentally taxing to navigate this type of loss.
This incomplete narrative can risk cause us to experience rumination, through invasive thoughts that bring us to seek a response to questions left unanswered. We may invariably look back on the entirety of the relationship, wanting to seek and find the reason for why this has happened. Because we’re left without answers, our heads invariably spin towards the emotional weight we carry due to this loss. I often remind clients that even if we were to find a logical reason, the hurt would still be there.
We may start to reach out and talk with others about this particular loss, and it’s possible, because sibling estrangement is not widely recognized as an impactful loss, that we are met with bewildered stares, silence, or worse. Some members of my support group have had dismissive words spoken to them minimizing their loss or simply told to move on. A grief that is not recognized nor discussed with those around us can be invalidating and potentially traumatizing.
While it’s normal that many of us seek validation from our environment, and those around us when we’re hurt, there can be a bigger way of working with this. One that requires the start of taking back the personal narrative of our life.
When conflict management or repair attempts are not possible, then we are either left with the possibility of being regularly tormented by this, or turning inwards by doing work on ourselves.
Meaning-Making
One of the greatest turning points in healing from sibling estrangement occurs when we stop trying to solve the mystery of another person’s mind and begin cultivating a relationship with our own individual identity. Though the incompleteness and lack of answers still remain, meaning can now come not from what our sibling gives us, but instead with what we can foster and create for ourselves.
This pivotal shift is necessary in the processing of grief, and in recognizing just where we can invest our precious energy. Finding meaning in our experience is the last stage in grieving a sibling relationship, which brings us to answer the question of how to live our life now that sibling estrangement has happened.
Examples of this type of Meaning-making can look like this:
- Rather than trying to understand their motives, seeking to understand our own values.
- Rather than seeking explanations, accepting uncertainty and tolerating ambiguity.
- Rather than looking for vindication, learning to develop self-trust.
- Rather than needing reconciliation to heal, learning to heal without reconciliation.
- Rather than defining ourselves through rejection, learning to define ourselves through our character.
- Rather than urgently needing to correct their narrative, learning to fearlessly live our own narrative.
In closing, understanding the nature of rigidity and what fosters it can be an important lesson for us in gaining insight with sibling estrangement. Recognizing the risks in ourselves and where our painful grief can get stuck is equally important. Lastly, finding the path within us as a means of taking back our power and freeing ourselves from grief is what meaning-making aims to do. In a future article, I’ll expand further on the concept of meaning-making and how this can further benefit us.
Ali-John Chaudhary is a Registered Psychotherapist with offices in Ontario and Quebec. He helps clients from different parts of the world going through sibling estrangement issues, and produces YouTube videos on the same subject. He also hosts a twice-monthly online support group, thematic sessions, and immersive workshops, each on Zoom (see groups), for those looking to empower themselves with this rarely discussed subject. What’s more, Ali-John is starting up the Wellness Rewards Club, through a YouTube Membership, which will serve to give readers extra resources to create the next chapter in their lives following sibling estrangement.
Sibling Estrangement 