Every so often in the support group that I host, it’s mentioned that after we experience sibling estrangement, we become more aware of the relationships around us whenever we experience further rejection or estrangement. Maybe it’s happened that you’ve experienced another compounding loss in your life, be it from a friend, another family member, or a colleague at work. The good news is that we can work with some tools to help foster more peace and less rumination. I’ve been working with a twofold way to help myself and others who go through estrangement or rejection from a loved one, and I thought I would share it here.
Estrangement can sometimes feel like a slap in the face for some of us. That somehow, our connection with our brother or sister is negated, invalidated, understimulated, or toxified. Invariably, when we experience this, it can be disheartening, disappointing, shocking and enraging. We are left to try to make sense of the situation, which can involve thinking about what to say, or how we would react towards them the next time we see them.
And therein lies the trap. Our over-investment with our thoughts and emotions, and our sense of urgency in thinking we must do or act in a certain way at all cost. This is why working with detachment and non-doing is so important for us. Electing to detach ourselves consciously from our emotions and feelings, with the intention to avoid feeding them is a way we can train ourselves cognitively and emotionally. But we must commit to doing so for this to work.
For instance, whenever we see ourselves get too deep in euphoric recall, or getting wound up because of a replaying of a situation in our minds, it can mean to recognize the over-investment we have. Detaching from the situation helps by distancing ourselves from that area of concern in our minds, and to see how we may be sustaining that inside of ourselves. Working on recognizing our contribution to an escalation of a situation in our minds will serve to empower us to make use of detachment in those cases. Feeling that space of detachment, and disinvesting emotionally is a good way to voluntarily condition ourselves with this.
Another area we can work on for our peace of mind is to practice non-doing. Are there certain actions you see yourself taking that bring you right back to rumination? Snooping on social media, responding to snarky texts, or seeing yourself justify yourself needlessly with other family members? Recognizing where we lose energy is good start to find inspiration for ideas in where we can walk back unproductive actions that poke at our wounds.
Keep in mind that there will be good days and bad days, just like with anything. You may feel inadvertently drawn back into the situation, and feeling as though you must do something, or worse, that you’re somehow responsible for the brunt of the result. Nothing could be farther from the truth. It’s days like this that self-compassion and radical acceptance can be especially important, as ways to soothe yourself. Reminding yourself that you’re going through an off day is not failing. It’s recognizing that this is a process, and that you’re still going, at your own pace, in the same direction as eventual detachment.
In closing, we don’t need to be at the mercy of our sibling estrangement challenges when it comes to getting caught up in the wave. Yes, self-compassion is important. But cultivating an attitude of detachment will help to stop the build-up associated to invasive thoughts and negative emotions. And curbing our actions with non-doing will serve as a way to behaviorally work on sitting out from some of the urgently-felt actions that can sometimes backfire on us.
Are there places you can disengage and cut the thread?
Ali-John Chaudhary is a Registered Psychotherapist with offices in Ontario and Quebec. He helps clients from different parts of the world going through sibling estrangement issues, and produces YouTube videos on the same subject, with Author Fern Schumer Chapman. He also hosts a twice-monthly online support group and an intensive workshop both on Zoom (see groups) for those looking to empower themselves with this rarely discussed subject.
Sibling Estrangement 