Acknowledgment and Sibling Estrangement

As more and more of us start to name and understand sibling estrangement, we start to see the underlying elements that create suffering for us. These can include rumination, the lack of answers, the rejection of who we are, or the hijacking of a narrative about us within the family system that is false, just to name a few. Most of us experience a sense of incompleteness in our sibling relationship, what with the lack of answers, and it’s this very point that deserves more attention. In fact, the lack of acknowledgment is one of the biggest hurdles we have to face when it comes to sibling estrangement.

It’s strange how in our healthier relationships, there is the experience of making room for our personality, and with that a feeling of validation. But when it comes to sibling estrangement, there is this back and forth between the past and how things are now. We may wonder how it got to that point. This is the mind’s attempt at understanding what’s happened. And in this analysis, there will invariably be a lack of answers as to why we were treated the way we were. 

While it’s important to get answers, this will seldom bring peace to our situation. It’s not as if having a logical answer as to why someone did something means that the pain will suddenly go away. What helps is a form of acknowledgment. I see this also with the couples work that I do with clients. Whenever we sit with someone who validates our emotional experience, there is this sense of feeling less alone and accompanied in our process. In turn, this creates more closeness and a sense of being understood. And having someone relate to us actually fills that gap of being cut off from someone. It’s this process that helps in the healing of our situation.

So what if we can’t get that from our sibling? What if they continue to ignore us, cast us aside or disparage us? The answer is you seek this acknowledgment elsewhere. That’s why when you have other people, such as friends, or a Facebook group of peers to support and validate you, you have a sense of being understood, bridging that gap, uplifting you, and taking you out of that painful position of being marginalized. In essence, you’re giving yourself back a sense of belonging. It can be a powerful process when you finally get to see yourself as the caring and wonderful person that you are, and always were. 

I can honestly say, after having hosted several grief support and sibling estrangement groups, that the single most effective element that fosters processing and healing is the acknowledgment that comes from having our realities held, validated, and recognized. Be it that you receive this from someone else, or from yourself through therapy or writing, you will invariably move leaps and bounds forward in your sibling estrangement journey, and ultimately, feel better about yourself. Now is the time to give yourself that gift. 

Ali-John Chaudhary is a Registered Psychotherapist with offices in Ontario and Quebec. He helps clients from different parts of the world going through sibling estrangement issues, and produces YouTube videos on the same subject, with Author Fern Schumer Chapman. He also hosts a twice-monthly online support group and an intensive workshop both on Zoom (see groups) for those looking to empower themselves with this rarely discussed subject.