Welcoming Vulnerability in Sibling Estrangement

A few weeks before my sister’s wedding day some years ago, I had been pressed to confirm my presence at her event. I had mentioned to her that I would indeed be present, despite that it cut into a course I was taking at the time several hours away. On the day of the event, as some of you know, I was the only one prevented from speaking on the podium to praise her. This incident cut deep, and altered our sibling relationship to this day. That she refused a potential opportunity to lavish her with praise and gave in to her apprehension demonstrates to me how our siblings tend to shy away from moments of vulnerability with us.

It’s possible you’ve been through this yourself. In which your sibling misses an opportunity to experience more closeness with you. Be it that they decline an apparent invitation, or fail to seize an occasion where they can sit with you, and create a moment other than what defines our often tumultuous relationships with them. In any case, it’s this self-censure that perpetuates the strain of what we’ve already experienced, thus compounding the status quo of the estranged relationship. 

I continue to think that those who find us, and join our community, are exasperated by these emotional games. Think about it. Most of us are empathic individuals who feel that our failed sibling relationship is a loss that can weigh down on us. After all, if we’re empathic, it’s because we usually have the ability to make room for another individual’s personality, and a potential reflex we can have is to blame ourselves or adapt to a given situation. In other words, work harder at trying to make it work. 

But there’s really no working harder at it. When another individual can’t allow themselves to experience a depth of vulnerability, then they can’t expose themselves to the very aspect that would further harmonize the relationship: Creating closeness through authentic contact. It requires too much of a departure from identifying with their negative feelings. And yet, one of the greatest truths we can experience is that understanding another person’s point of view needn’t negate nor weaken our own position. Instead, it can add perspective to our own perceptions, and actually broaden our understanding of a given situation. 

So what can we do in cases where our sibling-s just can’t or won’t allow themselves to experience vulnerability with us? You find it with other people. Those from our sibling estrangement community can serve as people who understand what this feels like and can be good sounding boards for our feelings. Also, others from your own environment can serve you. Especially those who can appreciate the depth that you have with respect to your emotional capacity. Who exactly are these people? These kindred spirits? Those that take you as you are. Accept you with all your virtues and faults. Those that welcome vulnerability for themselves will likely foster vulnerability for others, like you. So take part in this emotional currency and exchange. You will come out of it better, and feel that much-needed feeling of acknowledgment that we all seek and crave, outside of what our siblings think of us. 

Take care, and remember, you are not alone.

Ali-John Chaudhary is a Registered Psychotherapist with offices in Ontario and Quebec. He helps clients from different parts of the world going through sibling estrangement issues, and produces YouTube videos on the same subject, with Author Fern Schumer Chapman. He also hosts a twice-monthly online support group and an intensive workshop both on zoom (see groups) for those looking to empower themselves with this rarely discussed subject.