The experience of sibling estrangement is caused by many factors. One such factor is the influence of parents on issues that arise with a brother or sister. Indeed, what parents say and do, and what they don’t, can make a difference. Here, we’ll explore what happens when matriarchs and patriarchs shirk their roles of influence within a family system.
It can happen often that in families, there is a designated matriarch or patriarch. These are important power positions within the family structures. When they speak, other members tend to take into account what they say. They can serve as models to the younger generations in terms of how to live when it comes to the family setting. Much like elders that serve as a wise council as we see in other cultures.
Some of the roles they can have are to impart life lessons for challenges that arise towards their loved ones, as well as serving as the history-keepers of past family experiences engraved in their memory. Other times, they can serve as examples in how to manage conflict, such as to teach the younger generation how to deal with their own issues with others, both inside and outside the family.
When they fail to do so, the younger generation is left guessing how to manage conflict all on their own, sometimes, to their detriment and downfall. Throw in dominating and controlling dynamics, and power struggles can quickly degenerate into more and more volatility that can lead to estrangement.
Matriarchs or patriarchs have the responsibility to speak up and denounce any toxic, domineering, and narcissistic behaviors. Doing nothing causes the power players and bullies in the family to be enabled and assert their self-proclaimed power position. This only serves to perpetuate dysfunctional behavior.
If such important matriarchal and patriarchal roles are cast aside, for the sake of pretending there’s no problem, for fear of the loss of privileges/favors, or by not knowing what to do with the problem that manifests in front of them, this leaves an important gap that grows into something bigger. That unfinished business further hardens the issues into an uncompromising brew that festers into hostilities and immovable positions with brothers and sisters, all for the sake of wanting to be right.
That’s why it’s never too late to step-in, speak up, and denounce undesirable behavior. While matriarchs and patriarchs are not the sole problem in family or sibling estrangement, they serve an important role in prioritizing peace within the family unit, and can exercise the type of influence to help turn the tide in favor of positive modeling for their offspring.
Take care, and remember, you are not alone.
Ali-John Chaudhary is a Registered Psychotherapist with offices in Ontario and Quebec. He helps clients from different parts of the world going through sibling estrangement issues, and produces YouTube videos on the same subject, with Author Fern Schumer Chapman. He also hosts a twice-monthly online support group and an intensive workshop both on zoom (see groups) for those looking to empower themselves with this rarely discussed subject.
Sibling Estrangement 