The Inner Child and Sibling Estrangement

Our experience with sibling estrangement can leave a lasting mark on our lives. Being in an estrangement-prone family, we can be left with the experience of fear, hurt, misunderstanding, hostility, avoidance, or rigidity within us. These reactions can cause us to become something we are not, and play themselves out in unhealthy ways that drive us away from what can be the potential to experience an innocent and pristine part of ourselves. In this article, we’ll attempt to demystify what wonderment can look like, and how it can be reexperienced after sibling estrangement. 

It’s very natural for us to experience a sense of emotional vulnerability and want to show this part of ourselves to our loved ones. After all, when it comes to our dreams, aspirations, thoughts, and feelings on things, we may well want to communicate these with the people that we love. But sooner or later, as all of us have known, we’ve been privy to experiences of alienation, judgment, ridicule, ghosting, or plain old misunderstanding or twisting of our intentions or words. Whatever the reason may be, our siblings can sometimes react in these ways, causing us to feel unsafe, unloved, or unapproved. As we’ve seen previously, it can cause us to shut down and adopt a defensive view of the world. In fact, we may even fall into the pattern of seeing the world as an unsafe place. 

When this happens, the lighter moments of life can feel very far away, and we may be forced to carry this ill feeling for an extended amount of time. The danger here is that our experience of sibling estrangement can be something that ends up owning us. And when this happens, our reactions can end up dictating our decisions. One such manifestation is that we can shut down in areas of emotional vulnerability. This part of us can become so painful to look at, that, for some of us, it can become off-limits to ourselves. While we may thrive in other parts of our lives, it may well be that moments or opportunities of emotional vulnerability may continue to appear, and we may continue to react in just the same way as we do, as a means of avoiding going there. 

And yet, the benefits of feeling safe and allowing ourselves to properly feel our feelings can be achievable. But we need to get there in such a way that we let the light in. And wonderment and delight can do just that. Whenever you pause, in awe of a sunset, or a nature experience that stops you momentarily, you’re accessing this innocent child-like part of you. Whenever you’re looking at a young child, part of you may catch a glimpse of their innocence and delight (think when they open a gift). This allows you, in turn, to get in touch with your own experiences of delight and innocence. Perhaps revivifying them within you as you look on at a child that is bursting with happiness. Whenever you are carried away positively by art, or touched by a song or a movie, there may be a sense of wonderment that washes over you. You’ll notice that there is no judgment here. Only an unfettered expression of who you are. This is an expression of that inner child that comes alive and reacts to contact with beauty. 

So how does this tie in with sibling estrangement? These experiences can help us all to heal from the protective mechanisms or innate judgments that prevent us from being our full selves. Once we allow ourselves to experience safety through positive emotions, we are no longer at the mercy of a narrative that is demeaning or stifling. It’s one of the steps that helps to break the negative pattern of self-censorship and help to reclaim ourselves. By changing the outcome of our reactions, we are allowing ourselves to celebrate a further part of ourselves, long hidden, that only wants to be freely and fully expressed, despite what our siblings may think of us. 

Are you able to access the wonderment that your inner child gives you?

Ali-John Chaudhary is a Registered Psychotherapist with offices in Ontario and Quebec. He helps clients from different parts of the world going through sibling estrangement issues, and produces YouTube videos on the same subject, with Author Fern Schumer Chapman. He also hosts a twice-monthly online support group and an intensive workshop both on Zoom (see groups) for those looking to empower themselves with this rarely discussed subject.