People sometimes approach me wanting reconciliation with their siblings. They share how they are encouraged by what they see, and hope that it can be maintained over time. What they see, are likely what are called “Turning towards” behaviors. In this article, we’ll discuss what exactly these look like, how their absence can damage the relationship, and how ultimately, if maintained regularly, they can help turn around sibling estrangement.
The esteemed teacher who coined the term “turning towards” behaviors is John Gottman, the world’s leading specialist in couples therapy. He regularly applies this notion with respect to couples, who are met with either warm, eager interest on the part of their partners, or not. The good news here is that the same can be said of any type of relationship.
Gottman mentions that there are behaviors that constitute a turning towards, which foster connection, with interest, care, and presence. There are also behaviors that foster a turning away, which are ignoring, deflecting, minimizing, or passively disengaging from a bid to connect. Finally, he speaks of behaviors that turn against. These are responding to a person with hostility, contempt, defensiveness or control.
Is this starting to sound familiar? It’s a given that if we’re experiencing sibling estrangement, most of us are also experiencing turning away and turning against behaviors on the part of our sibling. What do these look like?
It can be that upon interacting with a sibling, you notice that you are met with deafening silence, in moments where communication should be happening. You may see them changing the subject, avoiding emotional subjects through the use of misplaced humor, or stating that they are busy without making attempts to repair. This can leave us with a sense of emotional distance with our sibling, feeling as though our attempts to connect are unanswered, which furthermore leaves us with what we’ve discussed before as being a sense of incompleteness, which can also be met with loneliness and invisibility.
Next is what Gottman calls turning against behaviors. These can have the potential to be psychologically injurious, in that they create a lack of safety, trigger fight, flight, or freeze responses, and can accelerate cutoffs which lead to estrangement. For example, these can look like accusations of being too sensitive, being met with mockery or sarcasm, weaponizing past mistakes, being gaslit about past events, or being shamed through the guise of moral superiority.
While these types of behaviors are important for us to recognize because they can give the signs for when red flags arise, it’s of equal importance to recognize when we experience turning towards behaviors on the part of our siblings. As mentioned earlier, turning towards behaviors involve care, interest, and presence. A sibling that engages in these types of behaviors will, with no ulterior motive, demonstrate enthusiasm towards shared and acknowledged memories together, care in understanding even when they may not grasp your point of view, be open to talk at a later time about what’s important to you if unavailable. This, in turn, builds emotional safety, reinforces the sense that you are important to them, and will help to build further trust if these healthy behaviors persist over time.
To conclude, it’s important to recognize when healthy and unhealthy behaviors arise on the part of our siblings when it comes to estrangement. As we’ve seen with turning away and turning against behaviors, these actions can be detrimental and deeply hurtful. In contrast, turning towards behaviors can help us to see which actions are impactful, and show us what can be done to turn the tide on estrangement, if both parties are ready, willing and able. While other psychological factors can also explain turning away behaviors, it’s important to see and name them as a means of recognizing just what builds and fosters estrangement, such that we can further empower ourselves on our journey towards reclaiming ourselves.
Ali-John Chaudhary is a Registered Psychotherapist with offices in Ontario and Quebec. He helps clients from different parts of the world going through sibling estrangement issues, and produces YouTube videos on the same subject, with Author Fern Schumer Chapman. He also hosts a twice-monthly online support group, thematic sessions, and immersive workshops, each on Zoom (see groups), for those looking to empower themselves with this rarely discussed subject. What’s more, Ali-John is starting up the Wellness Rewards Club, through a YouTube Membership, which will serve to give readers extra resources to create the next chapter in their lives following sibling estrangement.
Sibling Estrangement 