Sibling estrangement brings with it different challenges and adversities. Some of these force us to adapt, grow, and become better versions of ourselves, amidst the experiences that come with either being estranged or in having to take a step back. But what if meeting the challenge involves becoming blind to ourselves? In this article, we will explore how the quality of being highly adaptable can be a trap that many of us fail to see in our quest to be empathic and understanding.
We’ve all been subject to adverse behavior from our sibling. This can range from lack of warmth and consideration to outright cruel and demeaning behavior. Many of us have met this by attempting to somehow try our utmost at making it work, for our sake and for the sake of the family. This can involve putting our feelings aside and trying to buy the peace.
The problem with this particular approach is that sooner or later, we may come to realize that we are the only one attempting to buy the peace. Our sibling may carry on in their ways, by modifying little to nothing in terms of what they say or in how they act towards us. And here is the trap: That we somehow have failed at getting them to understand our motives, and that we double down.
This doubling down in trying harder can involve further adaptation in swallowing what we want to say, making hollow actions the norm in somehow hoping that nothing will unsettle them. And if we’re not careful, this walking on eggshells becomes a further step towards self-erasing and self-abandonment of our true self, in the hopes that it can work.
But really, there’s little that can work when the solution involves receding in the background at our own expense. Since we may not communicate our needs, for fear of awakening their anger, we hold it all inside, and go through the motions, hoping for the best. And we press play and repeat with this particular approach as it may prove, in effect, in buying the peace for a time.
Self-erasing ourselves is subtle. It makes it so that we may not necessarily see it, day in and day out. Over time, it slowly erodes us, and becomes a recipe for resentment, thus fueling our need to somehow work harder at sustaining the relationship. In turn, this can become further tolerance of unacceptable behavior towards us. And if our sibling is a bully, or narcissistic, they may relish at this power they have over us. In knowing what they say or do will have us invariably cave in and enable them further. They may see no reason to stop.
So what can we do? First, recognize that you are enough. If someone values you in their life, they will make efforts at sustaining the relationship. If you can’t be met in your basic need for respect, then it may be necessary to create space for your own sake. Taking space actually can help to foster more clarity, as it will help you to see perhaps what you haven’t been seeing since you were too close to the dysfunction. Ask yourself if you were surviving or thriving with your sibling? Your answer can have a sobering effect.
Oftentimes, high adaptability involves the idea that we ascribe more importance to the feelings of others than our own. A second step to consider is learning to value and prioritize your feelings. This will help to counter the tendency to self-erase or self-abandon. A good way to work with instilling this in ourselves is to work with a positive affirmation or slogan such as: “My needs matter, and I will respect and honor them above all else.”
A third action step to look at can be to catalogue the various times when you did compromise, at your own expense, and if that ended it giving you what you wanted or not. Chances are, watering down your needs bought momentary peace, but it did little to address what was important for you. This exercise can be an eye-opener as it helps to see the number of times a repeated pattern may have proven to be ineffective in getting what you want from your sibling.
In closing, while high adaptability can buy the peace for a time, it may sooner or later put you at risk of tolerating unacceptable behavior from your sibling. It can erode your own identity, and cause you to negate your own needs in the hopes that putting in more effort will get you their approval. Fostering the next step in your wellness journey can involve breaking this cycle. Any type of validation starts with you. Are you ready to put yourself first?
Ali-John Chaudhary is a Registered Psychotherapist with offices in Ontario and Quebec. He helps clients from different parts of the world going through sibling estrangement issues, and produces YouTube videos on the same subject, with Author Fern Schumer Chapman. He also hosts a twice-monthly online support group, thematic sessions, and an intensive workshop, each on Zoom (see groups), for those looking to empower themselves with this rarely discussed subject.
Sibling Estrangement 