Estrangement happens in degrees. Contrary to what some people may think, it’s more than about simply being estranged or not. It can be wildly confusing when you may still be talking with your sibling, yet feel there is something missing. Perhaps it’s certain subjects that are off limits, or an emotional depth that you somehow just can’t get with them. In any case, this push and pull that we have with some of our siblings is another flavor of sibling estrangement that can cause confusion and bewilderment. Here, we’ll try to name and explain just what is an “almost” sibling relationship, and how best to navigate it.
I’ll be the first to admit that when you feel a certain amount of safety with your sibling, and that there is room for you to be yourself, that it’s ok to relax your boundaries and see how your interactions go with them. It might even be encouraging to see that you can actually carry on a conversation with them. Nonetheless, it can still feel as though you are lonely in this type of relationship.
That’s because you may get the sense that you’re not expressing your full potential anymore. You may have had what I like to call a “before and after” effect. At one time in your past you may have experienced a more solid bond with them. You may have even felt a sense of warmth and connection with them. But for reasons that are known or unknown, that all changed. You may have seen your sibling back away, disinvest from you, or ignore your attempts at communicating with them. This is where some people can experience torment, because you may want to desperately have what you knew before, and attempt to recreate it, but to no avail.
Something has changed. And it can often feel disappointing that any attempt you make is simply not returned. Or that it stays at a surface level that is not nearly as nourishing as what it once was. This is a stage where you can start to experience the grief of a living person. They are there, yet not to the same degree as what you once knew. When this topic comes up in my online support group, we start to discuss of the choice to continue or not with such relationships.
This can mean to either experience an internal adjustment associated with what our sibling means to us (step 3 in how to mourn a sibling relationship), and in effect, grieve this lost relationship that we may never actually ever see again. Or it can mean to lower our expectations with them, to such a degree as to let this new and altered sibling relationship be the defining element of what we now have.
An almost sibling relationship is not without its risks. It can be painful, disappointing, and unfulfilling. Conversely, it can be a small piece of what we actually need, but nonetheless, still something rather than nothing. Some people can accept the latter, while others simply can’t navigate what they may feel is less of their true selves with their sibling. This is for each of us to personally decide.
I recommend seeing what benefits you may have with maintaining such a relationship. Is it the idea that common past experiences can be discussed? Is it that you can keep them up to date on happenings in your life, or they in theirs? Does it boost your mood to some degree? Seeking to see what you can gain is a good way to set a goal for yourself and to remind yourself just why you are choosing this. Nothing stops you from backing away if there are no benefits for you, or if you feel you have less of what you came in with upon speaking with them.
To conclude, an almost sibling relationship is different from a full-fledged sibling relationship. It can be achieved, but it comes with the need for us to adjust ourselves, our expectations, and let the past stay in the past. Choosing what is best and nourishing for us is up to each of us to decide. The journey towards wellness is paved with proactive steps. Some steps are right for us, while others are not. If this is your next step, then you may owe it to yourself to see if this works for you.
Ali-John Chaudhary is a Registered Psychotherapist with offices in Ontario and Quebec. He helps clients from different parts of the world going through sibling estrangement issues, and produces YouTube videos on the same subject, with Author Fern Schumer Chapman. He also hosts a twice-monthly online support group and an intensive workshop both on Zoom (see groups) for those looking to empower themselves with this rarely discussed subject.
Sibling Estrangement 