Understanding Sibling Estrangement: Recognizing Biases

Without realizing it, we can be subject to biases, through mental shortcuts and distorted thinking. This cannot be more true with sibling estrangement. It may well be that past interactions with us caused a brother or sister to unjustly add blame to justify their feelings or actions. Biases can color perceptions, and make it harder to understand a situation from another person’s perspective. Here, we will attempt to name and recognize some biases in order to see how misunderstandings can deepen and divide the chasm that draws our sibling apart from us.    

The first bias to consider is Confirmation bias. 

This type of view has to do with looking for, processing and remembering information that confirms an existing belief or opinion. For instance, a sibling may cherry pick events that align with their pre-existing belief that a sibling is self-centered, rather than considering all of the evidence. By doing so, this reinforces negative perceptions leaving little to no room for any type of reconciliation or proper understanding of each other.

A second type of bias that occurs can be Attribution bias. 

This has to do with attributing a character flaw to someone’s behavior while attributing external factors to one’s self. For instance, a sibling might consider it a mark of disrespect if we are absent from a family event. And yet, were they to do the same thing, they would see it merely as them being too busy. This type of bias can foster an increase in misunderstanding and resentment.

A third type of bias can be what’s called the Halo/Horns effect. 

This one has to do with letting one trait, either positive or negative, influence how a person can see another in a general way. For instance, a parent can favor one child over another, due to an achievement (halo effect), or criticize another harshly for one mistake (horns effect). We’ve seen this before as with the golden child and black sheep dynamic with sibling estrangement. Invariably, these implied hierarchies create favoritism within the family unit, which can in turn foster tension between siblings.

A fourth type of bias can be Negativity bias.

This has to do with focusing more on negative experiences than positive ones. In this instance, a sibling may dwell on a single critical comment made sometime ago, and negating years of interactions that were positive. This can create a sense of mistrust that can foster emotional distance between siblings, and cause them to miss out on building a positive relationship with us.  

A fifth type of bias can be Cognitive Dissonance. 

This can manifest as a discomfort that appears when facing conflicting beliefs, which can lead to a change in one’s actions to reduce that inner conflict. For instance, a sibling who experiences guilt for drawing back may justify this by worsening and exaggerating issues from the past. In turn, it can make it harder for siblings to harmonize their relationship.   

A sixth type of bias can be Stereotyping. 

This can be when someone’s traits or behaviors are based on a generalized belief about a group they may belong to. In this instance, with sibling estrangement, it can mean when someone in a family is characterized as “the difficult one” (ie, black sheep), there can be a different treatment towards them, regardless of their behavior. If let to persist, this type of bias can further fuel unequal treatment and conflict within families.

A seventh type of bias is what’s called Anchoring bias.

This can have to do with identifying excessively on the first piece of information that we have about someone. For instance, a sibling may hold onto a particular childhood memory associated with being mistreated, which can later shape the sibling relationship, even if things have changed since then. What this does over time is it prevents a relationship from having a more balanced view and understanding of what it truly is.

An eighth type of bias can be Ingroup/Outgroup bias.

This type of bias typically occurs when one favors members from one’s own group all while being critical of outsiders. This can manifest as a sibling who chooses to align with a parent or a particular ingroup within the family, excluding other family members as outsiders. This type of behavior can consequently create divisions within families, which can further reinforce estrangement rather than promoting unity or belonging. 

A ninth type of bias can be the Self-Serving bias.

This manifests as having the tendency to take on credit for successes while blaming external factors or others for perceived failures. For instance, with family dynamics, a sibling may take the credit for upholding the family or a family relationship together, and ascribe blame to one or more persons if there is any particular stress or breakdowns within the family. This type of blame-shifting can create issues when it comes to accountability and resolution.

A tenth type of bias can be the Availability Heuristic. 

This type of bias has to do with taking mostly easy examples that come to mind when it comes to the likelihood that events will repeat themselves. If, for example, a sibling thinks of a major family argument that happened, they may overestimate how often this type of issue really occurs. What this does is create distortions and incorrect views of family dynamics, which can create barriers by discouraging siblings from reaching out to each other.

An eleventh type of bias can be what’s called Groupthink.

When it comes to this type of bias, it has to do with prioritizing harmony more than actual critical thinking, which can lead to poor decision making. An example of this can be when a family unanimously decides to estrange a family member without taking the time to critically evaluate the situation. This type of situation creates conditional relationships within families and prevents individual persons within the family from making their own opinions.  

A twelfth type of bias can be the Status Quo bias.

This type of bias manifests as wanting to keep things just as they are rather than changing them. Within a sibling estrangement context, this might demonstrate itself as declining to reach out to an estranged sibling because it affects the current existing dynamic which they’ve gotten used to. By failing to do so, this further perpetuates estrangement and avoidance between siblings. 

In closing, my hope is that you’ve been able to see just how some biases can influence sibling estrangement. They can quietly shape our thoughts, emotions, and actions, often steering us toward conflict and estrangement without our conscious awareness. These mental shortcuts can create walls between siblings that feel insurmountable. By recognizing the biases at play, we can begin to question the narratives we or our siblings hold onto and contemplate our relationships with greater clarity and understanding. On the one hand, this can help us to heal from our situation by recognizing how we may not be responsible for how things turned out, but rather, how our siblings can fall prey to such shortcuts in thinking. On the other, if both parties are willing, addressing biases can open the door to healthier communication and, perhaps, a renewed connection. 

Ali-John Chaudhary is a Registered Psychotherapist with offices in Ontario and Quebec. He helps clients from different parts of the world going through sibling estrangement issues, and produces YouTube videos on the same subject, with Author Fern Schumer Chapman. He also hosts a twice-monthly online support group and an intensive workshop both on Zoom (see groups) for those looking to empower themselves with this rarely discussed subject.