Every now and then, people in our community experience an overwhelming sense of sadness with their sibling estrangement, which is normal. And yet, another type of hardship can emerge, which is the realization of what we don’t have. Some people may quickly conclude that they shouldn’t be sad for the sibling they never had, and try to stifle such emotions. And yet, grieving something we never had can be just as much a grief of a long-held dream that’s never manifested. Here, we will explore why this loss is important to acknowledge, and what we can do.
Sibling estrangement brings its share of challenges. It can feel counter-intuitive when we’re faced with having to redefine the role of family in our lives. But sooner or later, when we create meaning for ourselves outside of family relationships, there comes a sense of peace and order amidst the chaos. Finally, we can live our lives and be ourselves without the torment of how blood relations see us. It’s one of the most important steps I help people with in their personal grieving process.
At one point or another in this ongoing process, we may invariably start to wonder about what could have been the outcome had we had a healthy sibling relationship with a brother or sister. After all, we hear about it through others and see it in various messages in the media. We may be quick to think that just because this lacking experience brings us down, that we distance ourselves from it, and avoid exploring or dwelling on this topic altogether. Nevertheless, negative emotions are necessary for us to identify, acknowledge, and work through if we’re to get better. They tell us about ourselves and serve as indicators in our process towards thriving and living fully.
When I sit with people who have lost a loved one following death, part of the work involved can sometimes be to acknowledge the lost years, the lost events of what could have been. With sibling estrangement, this type of loss is experienced through the lens of if our sibling had included us and nourished the relationship. Naming these losses is important because it helps us to process the magnitude of our experience. Has the loss been concerning a major event in which you were never included or how you were treated? Has it been more along the day to day activities such as never receiving a phone call? Getting together for lunch? Missing out on sharing your innermost thoughts or past memories with someone who was there with you while growing up?
Acknowledging these losses is important for the sake of recognizing what we are deprived of from our sibling. So what can we do to achieve more peace amidst this experience? Once we recognize and feel these feelings, followed by experiencing the sense of giving them back their responsibility for things being the way they are, we invariably begin to look at what we can do to continue to establish meaning in our lives. A good way to do so is to work with residual feelings through acknowledgment by writing them down. Moreover, writing to or about the sibling we never had is a good way to work through this. This lost reality needn’t define us, but it is an unexpressed potential that can be visited through this particular type of exercise.
And if you want to take this a step further, you can even envision this idealized sibling as being a part you can interact with, through active imagination. Letting this sibling appreciate you for just who you are. Enabling you to feel positive consideration for yourself, believing in you, and wanting what’s best for you. Feeling this for a few moments to a few minutes can help to generate positive feelings, and let yourself experience the potential of a loving relationship by giving yourself these very feelings.
To conclude, grieving the sibling we never had can bring its share of upsets and challenges to us on an emotional level. Negating this grief, like any other type of grief, can make things worse. Acknowledging and navigating this grief in creative ways is a way forward to give us more peace with what we never had due to sibling estrangement.
Remember, you are not alone.
Ali-John Chaudhary is a Registered Psychotherapist with offices in Ontario and Quebec. He helps clients from different parts of the world going through sibling estrangement issues, and produces YouTube videos on the same subject, with Author Fern Schumer Chapman. He also hosts a twice-monthly online support group and an intensive workshop both on Zoom (see groups) for those looking to empower themselves with this rarely discussed subject.
For questions or inquiries about my individual therapy sessions, feel free to reach out to me through the Contact tab above.
Sibling Estrangement 