Learning the underpinnings of sibling estrangement is a multi-factored experience. It can require us to learn more about the psychology of defense mechanisms, biases, and attachment styles, just to name a few. Another important factor to consider is the emotional maturity of parents. In this article, we’ll explore the ideas of Lindsay C. Gibson’s book “Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents”, and how this contributes to creating sibling estrangement.
Many adults who struggle today with their experience of growing up in their families may not necessarily be due to abuse, but rather, from parents who weren’t able to respond in a healthy way to their children’s emotional needs. This can have to do with the lack of ability to zero in on their children’s feelings, to reflect or repair when needed, resulting in the injury of chronic emotional neglect.
What does Emotional immaturity look like? Author Lindsay Gibson states it can have to do with being self-focused rather than attuning ourselves to the child’s need, reacting in a defensive manner rather being reflective, being unable to take on accountability nor being able to repair a situation, feeling somehow threatened by a child’s emotional needs and fearing they can’t meet them, or prioritizing comfort, self-image, or control over any given connection. And with this comes the negative impact of the child feeling unsupported or invalidated.
How do children respond in such environments? By attempting to foster belonging as much as they can. This comes with the cost of avoiding being authentic, for the sake of attempting to please the parent. Children grow up learning to suppress their needs and feelings, become over-responsible or compliant, monitor other’s moods, and avoid conflict or emotional expression. All this is done for the sake of gaining approval from the parental figure.
Gibson further states that children growing up in such families may be met with four types of emotionally immature parents. The first, being Emotional: Experiencing life in a volatile, overwhelming, intrusive or inconsistent way. The second, being Driven: Achievement and recognition of their image comes first, such that they are emotionally unavailable. The third, being Passive: Enabling everything that happens within the family, fails to protect the child, and becomes conflict-avoidant. The fourth, being Rejecting: Unable to tolerate dependency or vulnerability, and remaining cold, distant and dismissive. Such parents in some family settings may have more than one of these traits.
People who grow up in such families can take on one of two trajectories, according to the author. The first, by internalizing the situation, such that they become self-reflective, conscientious, prone to blaming one’s self, yet being emotionally aware. The second, involving externalizing the situation, such as to blame others in how they feel, acting out in an emotional fashion, and expecting others to accommodate them. The former usually seeks out therapy or ways to better understand their situation, whereas the latter will seldom question themselves.
So how does this apply to sibling estrangement? Many of the aspects that Gibson discusses in her book are reflective of what a great deal of us go through while experiencing sibling estrangement. It can be having to work through the Role Self, as the author puts it, where you’re adapting into the version of you that fits to satisfy the family’s perceived standards. Work involved here includes the development of your True Self, as Gibson puts it, in terms of recognizing your authentic feelings, preferences and identity. Some of you may see this as being the Belonging versus Authenticity paradigm that we’ve discussed in other articles and videos.
Often, we in the estrangement community deal with a sibling’s defensiveness, and experience incompleteness for the simple fact that nothing gets resolved. As Gibson states, this can be because of the lack of accountability and ability in repairing, as this requires emotional intelligence and maturity. It’s important to realize that immature parents don’t teach conflict management skills, and are unlikely to adopt an emotion-focused approach when it comes to allowing for their child to be seen and heard.
So what can be done to improve upon a situation like this, in the context of sibling estrangement? First, it’s important to realize that we’re not responsible for how our sibling treats us. That we can give them back ownership for their emotionally immature behaviors is key in avoiding falling into unhealthy personalization. Part of the work involved with navigating sibling estrangement is also to work on improving ourselves, and grieving the sibling we never had.
Gibson goes in the same direction as our community, by focusing on grieving the parent you needed but didn’t have (and consequentially, perhaps the sibling you never had). Additionally, she states that it’s important to acknowledge that the relationship was never possible, given that the conditions that promote safety and vulnerability simply weren’t there.
This type of experience can lead to children who become adults who then become chronic people-pleasers. And as with children who fostered belonging, at all costs, they may water down their needs as adults, to the point of self-abandonment, which can create adults who give more importance to the feelings and experiences of others than that of their own. Additional strategies that Gibson mentions that are in line with our sibling estrangement community involve: Lowering expectations, sharing less emotional vulnerability with those who can’t hold it, observing rather than engaging, and choosing when and how to interact.
In closing, the intersections between sibling and family estrangement in dealing with an emotionally immature parent overlap in many ways. If you’ve experienced this from your own family, reclaiming yourself and learning to see yourself as you truly are is key to your recovery and well-being. Hopefully, this article helps to clarify what that can look like, amidst the fallout of being raised by an emotionally immature parent.
Ali-John Chaudhary is a Registered Psychotherapist with offices in Ontario and Quebec. He helps clients from different parts of the world going through sibling estrangement issues, and produces YouTube videos on the same subject, with Author Fern Schumer Chapman. He also hosts a twice-monthly online support group, thematic sessions, and immersive workshops, each on Zoom (see groups), for those looking to empower themselves with this rarely discussed subject. What’s more, Ali-John is starting up the Wellness Rewards Club, through a YouTube Membership, which will serve to help you create the next chapter in your life following sibling estrangement.
Sibling Estrangement 