In my last article, I talked about ego defense mechanisms, and how these can play out with siblings that exhibit these primitive and neurotic strategies. As we’ve seen, these are unhealthy expressions of the ego, which leave us hurt or bewildered. Here, we’ll be looking at what mature defense mechanisms can look like, and how to make use of them when needed, for our own sense of safety and well-being.
First on this list is what’s called sublimation. This has to do with transforming pain or conflict by channeling estrangement into constructive action or creativity. Instead of focusing on the pain that comes with rejection, sublimation can be to reclaim ourselves and steer us into the direction of personal growth by cultivating the best expression of ourselves. This can be done through journaling, learning about and becoming conscious of our patterns, and that of our siblings, for instance. Bettering ourselves can also involve going into therapy, and making use of various creative pursuits such as writing, making art, or compositions with perspectives involving boundaries and healing.
Secondly, there’s what is called suppression. This involves compartmentalising parts of ourselves that can still feel too raw when it comes to experiencing them, until we feel capable in facing those parts. This can mean training ourselves to avoid re-reading hurtful messages, or rethinking of past conversations that sparked pain. This approach helps in avoiding becoming flooded or overwhelmed on an emotional level with estrangement. Keeping in mind that suppression, here, is not denial, but rather giving yourself some time to detach and self-protect in order to help you heal.
Third, is making use of humor. This looks like when we make use of wit in such a way as to diffuse pain in a type of way that’s socially acceptable. Making use of ironic or self-deprecating humor is a way to reduce our relation to rejection. An example of this may be “Guess I’m the plot twist in my sibling’s autobiography.” While it’s true that there is inherent sadness in this, humor allows us to maintain a sense of dignity in our experience of sibling estrangement. Eventually, humor becomes a way to bridge our inner pain with outward composure. And it demonstrates how we’ve overcome our challenging experience by speaking openly about it.
Fourth, is what’s called altruism. This has to do with experiencing satisfaction by giving to others what we felt we should have had for ourselves. This could be, for instance, in strengthening existing friendships, or cultivating a relationship with younger people, or others around us, with what we would have hoped to have had, in terms of warmth, reciprocity, or friendly inquiry. Doing so gives us a space for where to channel the love we have within us to give unto others when our sibling-s are unable to receive it. Another altruistic approach I often speak of is how we can become ambassadors for the cause of sibling estrangement, by helping others navigate this pain as to hear them out and offer compassion, once we have gone through this ourselves.
Fifth, on the list is what’s called anticipation, which is to plan for future discomforts by emotionally preparing and protecting ourselves from them. If you’re attending a family function, this could involve creating an exit strategy, by choosing to drive yourself, for instance, in case you feel you have to leave. Feelings of exclusion, rejection or bullying can be some common experiences if you’re still engaging in some contact with your sibling or family when estrangement issues arise. Mentally preparing one’s self is key to maintaining an emotional balance. Sometimes, it’s not even in being in contact with them when waves hit. It might be on significant days such as birthdays or holidays. In which case, it’s important to cultivate a plan of self-care for ourselves. Emotional foresight helps us to take care of us when waves hit. This could involve practicing a physical activity, reaching out to a friend, or self-reflective journaling.
In closing, mature ego defense mechanisms allow for us to acknowledge the reality of sibling estrangement in our lives, in a healthy way, without regressing into defense mechanisms that fall into avoidance. These serve as ways to protect us, and foster growth amidst this important type of grief. Hopefully, the examples shown help us in further understanding the distinction between healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms. An all too important lesson for us on our journey towards wellness.
Ali-John Chaudhary is a Registered Psychotherapist with offices in Ontario and Quebec. He helps clients from different parts of the world going through sibling estrangement issues, and produces YouTube videos on the same subject, with Author Fern Schumer Chapman. He also hosts a twice-monthly online support group, thematic sessions, and immersive workshops, each on Zoom (see groups), for those looking to empower themselves with this rarely discussed subject.
Sibling Estrangement 