The estrangement journey presents many different realities. Be it through the involuntary forms that arise with little to no answers when we’re on the receiving end, just as with situations that cause us to have to act and cut ties for our own good. And yet, there is another form of sibling estrangement that manifests and is starting to be discussed more. The onset of indifference, and its painful effects, is another form that can serve to marginalize and leave us distraught. Here, we will talk about how indifference can cut just as deep despite our best efforts at avoiding it, and what can help us to better navigate this reality.
We may have experienced moments where we worked hard at building a rapport with our sibling, being nice, gracious, giving, and friendly. Unfortunately, those acts of kindness are not always returned to us. While people may agree to be nice in front of us, and use kind, soothing words, it’s the actions that follow that speak even louder. And with some of our siblings, those actions can be non-existent.
It can leave us feeling disempowered in knowing that we tried and tried to build a healthy relationship with them. Doing what we normally do. Listen, be attentive, give of ourselves, be pleasant, and yet, still feel as though it’s never enough. Often, this can lead to ceaseless inner-questionings that foster rumination and attempts at forcibly trying to figure out just what we’re not doing. Or in some cases, compare ourselves negatively to our other siblings who seem to be having a healthier relationship with them, which can further cause us to become unjustly critical of ourselves.
This experience can leave us thirsting for some validation on the part of our siblings. It can put us in stark contrast with the messages we receive from society that states that family should come first. And if we’re not careful, this can take us into an overthinking loop that can create torment for us, with a problem that isn’t entirely in our control to change nor influence.
If pushed further, this invasive thought can turn into the negative core belief of “I’m not good enough”, or “I’m not important”, which can pour into other areas of our life. This, in turn, can alter our decisions, with a sense of ensuing shame that can loom over us.
So how do we make peace with indifference? While our efforts at making this situation better may have proven to be unsuccessful with our sibling-s, it’s by asking another question entirely that we can get out of this conundrum: What can we do differently?
It can mean making choices that might look counterintuitive to making family first. And yet, choosing peace for ourselves should be our primary concern. Consider that once you experience that pivotal shift of restructuring the role family plays in your life (see the article on how to mourn a sibling relationship), you will start to experience less of an urgency at fixing the problem. In fact, you may even come to the realization that it was never yours to fix. And in time, your own life will readjust itself without the presence of your sibling-s.
Cultivating an attitude of detachment is an action step that can help to foster this inner state. It can mean to give yourself a different choice than to put pressure on yourself to solve the issue between the two of you. You may be asking “am I not engaging in indifference towards my sibling by doing this myself?” The answer is no. Your sibling may not have the emotional intelligence to see just what they’re doing to you, by their lack of empathy. Or, they may be engaging in avoidance as a means of not showing up within the sibling relationship, which may be indicative of their inability to foster a healthy and secure attachment to you. In your case, what you’re doing is training yourself to make sure you don’t put undue pressure on you, by recognizing that taking full ownership of the problem is unrealistic and unhealthy. This allows you to make a choice that is new, empowering, and pro-active for your own peace of mind.
In closing, navigating indifference can be a different challenge than dealing with a volatile and erratic sibling. It can mean to recognize its effects, and see just how we can transcend our sibling’s inability or unwillingness to show up within the sibling relationship, in such a way that we choose ourselves first. This fresh outlook will allow us to flourish and thrive more, outside of what our sibling thinks of us.
Ali-John Chaudhary is a Registered Psychotherapist with offices in Ontario and Quebec. He helps clients from different parts of the world going through sibling estrangement issues, and produces YouTube videos on the same subject, with Author Fern Schumer Chapman. He also hosts a twice-monthly online support group and an intensive workshop both on Zoom (see groups) for those looking to empower themselves with this rarely discussed subject.
Sibling Estrangement 