One particular question that comes up often in our online community is whether it’s the right behavior or not to send a birthday card to our sibling. While this can be a deceptively simple question to answer when there is no estrangement happening in your life with a particular family member, it can be a daunting choice for some of us who have this issue in our lives. Should we honor our feelings, or let the nature of our sibling relationship dictate our actions? Here, we’ll attempt to explore this question and find the answer that’s best for us.
Whenever a birthday comes up for a sibling, we can experience a sense of dread, and feel as though we’re at a crossroads. How should we act? What should we say or not say? While this is a simple question, it’s a reflection of potentially bigger decisions involved, which go beyond whether to simply send a card or not. In any case, this is an important question that once resolved, can help to limit our sense of discomfort, and possible torment, when significant dates arrive.
So how should we best act here? One particular approach I like to bring to this question is the ability to express our true potential. Often, we tend to define ourselves based on how our sibling thinks of us, act in a potentially reactive manner, and say such things as: “They never send me a card, so I won’t either!” And yet, this may well bring us at odds with our sibling’s behavior, because it may not be an authentic expression of who you are. So who are you, really? Are you the type of person that would send a card? Does it feel like a natural extension of yourself to do so? Are you generous in nature? If that’s the case, I encourage people to express their own potential and do what they would normally do, which is to send a card.
At worst, sending a card will likely get you little to no response. People will rarely respond in a nasty way to an act of generosity. But if they do, then it further helps you in the future by recognizing that your sibling may not meet your act of generosity and thoughtfulness in a good way. Thus, it helps you to know that sending a card the next time will be out of the question. Conversely, if it’s met in a positive way, then that becomes a bonus that can help to soften relations. In both instances, there is a lesson to be learned.
What if you don’t want to send a card? That’s perfectly fine as well. The goal here is to act authentically. If you’re comfortable with that, then that’s the “right” outcome for you. Sometimes, there’s just too much volatility, and it’s best to avoid stirring the pot by sending a card precisely because it would go against everything you’ve experienced and known about your sibling. To do otherwise would be inauthentic. In this instance, you may well have enough information, through your exchanges, or lack thereof, to know that this course of action is best for you.
In closing, there is no simple answer to this question. Truth be told, it basically comes down to what makes you feel comfortable. If you feel as though it’s limiting you by not sending a card, then acting authentically with who you are is your best choice. If you feel it would betray your lived experience with your sibling if you did this, then it’s best to listen to your need for boundary-setting. Knowing which side of the fence you are on will help determine the right choice for you to make, which will ultimately help to feel better about you and how best to navigate with sibling estrangement.
Ali-John Chaudhary is a Registered Psychotherapist with offices in Ontario and Quebec. He helps clients from different parts of the world going through sibling estrangement issues, and produces YouTube videos on the same subject, with Author Fern Schumer Chapman. He also hosts a twice-monthly online support group and an intensive workshop both on Zoom (see groups) for those looking to empower themselves with this rarely discussed subject.
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Sibling Estrangement 